you may have already heard this...a friend emailed it to me and i'm sure it has made the rounds...

but it is COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY WICKED AWESOME.

http://www.holytaco.com/2008/06/27/the-douchiest-phone-message-in-history/

the person who posted it starts out the introduction to it by saying "In all my years of studying douchebaggery, never have i encountered anything like this. It’s such pure and unadulterated douche that I wish I could bottle it and use just a drop of it at a time."

IN ALL MY YEARS OF STUDYING DOUCHEBAGGER.

a;sldjfka;lsdkfj.

brilliant.

will be seeing my beloved dark knight in a mere 16.5 hours.

cannot wait.

good christ. my boyfriend is finally hitting the ole silver screen again.

cannot wait.

heard someone complaining today that it was 2.5 hours...i say, BRING ME MORE.

i really really cannot wait!!!!

plus gary oldman, my next favorite actor. and maggie gyllenhaal, an actress i greatly enjoy. michael caine. criminy. the casting is brilliant.

and of course THE BATMAN. i have always enjoyed the batman, though not the movies so much. until 'batman begins' which i enjoyed immensely. i did laugh at the part (POSSIBLE 'BATMAN BEGINS' SPOILER) where the batman flew over the crowd and he looked like he had glowing red eyes...the fact that the crowd surged at him was hysterical to me. seriously. you see some massive man that has bat-like features, with glowing red eyes...and you APPROACH him? i'd be running away as g d fast as possible. or hiding. no thanks on that.

it's true. i'm definitely clumsy. anyone who knows me would probably attest to this fact.

the other day i was getting out of my car, carrying a bath and body works bag and my purse in one hand, and my phone (i was talking to my mom) and another shopping bag in the other hand, and i started to drop my phone. i bent down to grab it, poking myself in the left eye with a straw sticking out of a bag in my left hand, and poking myself in the right eye with the corner of my bath and body works bag. i ended up cutting the skin in the corner of my left eye with the straw, and cutting my EYEBALL with the bath and body works bag. i have, in the past, enjoyed the stiff paper shopping bags, with their handy little handles and whatnot. however, at this point, i appreciate them less given their ability to hand out a severe corneal abrasion.

i had to keep my eye taped closed for two days with hypoallergenic medical tape. hypoallergenic because i am allergic to most adhesives. turns out i'm allergic even to the hypoallergenic tape. now i have impaired vision in that eye, although i have been able to remove the tape, as well as a lovely red burning swollen rash over my eyelid and the skin around my eye. plus i had to pay money at the opthalmologist. luckily only a co-pay.

that's what i get for taking advantage of the 75% off sale!

the good news is i got a pink grapefruit body wash (which i totally enjoy! i typically wouldn't go for grapefruit immediately, but it is very nice smelling and good for waking up in the morning), frosting forever body spray (very sweet smelling, like frosting...the girl working there didn't like it because it's too sweet, but i love that type of thing. reminds me of the jaqua products), some eye wrinkle filler thing in a pink tube...comes in a cute pink cardboard tube (haven't tried yet, but it was cheap, so i can't really imagine it works GREAT, but it can't hurt), and some foaming hand soap. all for about $13. NOT TOO SHABBY. plus i have read about how the foaming hand washes are a lot less likely to harbor bacteria. apparently the regular kind can kinda hold it in the tip of the dispenser thing because people touch it? something like that.

in summary:

bath and body works bags do not belong in your eye.
b&bw grapefruit body wash good for waking up in the morning.
b&bw frosting spray good if you like sweet smells. bad if you don't.
b&bw foaming hand wash good for not harboring bacteria.

so, i am definitely having gastric bypass surgery.

i was ready to set my surgery date, but that can't happen quite yet as i have a few issues to take care of. i have a fantastic staph infection now, which EATS SHIT but it actually probably sounds a lot worse than it is. i don't really feel sick from it, which apparently is extremely fortunate. i am grateful for good fortune wherever i can get it! my lab results otherwise are good. my liver function is slightly poor, but not too bad, and my abdominal ultrasound revealed an enlarged liver and a hiatal hernia, but it looks like i can probably wait and get the liver biopsy and hernia repair both done at the same time as the bypass surgery, so WOOHOO to that. i mean, it's not like i'll know the difference. i'll be wicked knocked out, so they can cut me up in whichever ways necessary!

i'm very VERY excited, but also super nervous. most of my anxiety has to do with anesthesia, as it scares me nearly to death. however, the idea of probably not needing my cpap to breathe with every g d night, having my diabetes almost or completely be "cured", much less body pain, more energy, and even being able to shop for clothes a lot easier...all of these thrill me. there's actually a much longer list of how my life and health should be greatly improved, assuming i follow all post-surgery instructions, but those are the first that come to mind.

hopefully once i heal up i can get a full-time job again, doing something i enjoy, and not have to be the sickie. i can put an end to the social security situation, and save it for when i retire. well. except that it may be gone by then. that's ok. :) i want to NOT need it now.

i will not have to purchase two plane tickets to go somewhere. i will not be harassed for being fat. i recently actually faced a great deal of the fat prejudice as witnessed by my friends vektor and ebgoddess, so it was at least nice to be incensed with a couple of other people, and not just myself. fat-hating bastards! I WILL KILL THEM. well, no. but i may kick them all in the jimmy.

things are going fairly well, really. my family is doing well, my friends are for the most part doing well, and i'm so far surviving the heat of the summer. of course, the first heat wave of over 100 degree heat happened while i was in seattle, so i'm knocking on wood right now.

the main ordeal i'm dealing with now is the fact that the LOST season finale aired a couple of weeks ago, so no new episodes for months. that is my primary disappointment in life. ;)

hope everyone is doing well, and for those of you who are having the bullshit heat waves, may you stay cool and hydrated. WEAR SUNSCREEN. REAPPLY IT OFTEN. i made the mistake of believing i was properly protected, and apparently didn't reapply sufficiently as i have a definite tan on my arms and chest. BASTARDS.

the weirdest things make me think of people...really probably only weird to other people, because i know exactly why particular things trigger memories. besides, i'm sure 'weird' things make everyone think of someone. or that, but said more clearly. as in, something that makes you think of someone may seem completely bizarro to me, but really it turns out to not be that strange at all if you explain it.

anyway.

today i thought of ral. i got an email from archie mcphee, which is always amusing. it described a few new items, including gummy haggis. my immediate thought upon seeing this was "omg!!! i totally have to get this and send it to bob!!"

i'm certain he'd be amused.

gummy haggis? totally gross. not as gross as real haggis. by a mile.

today i must post a birthday message to my long-time companion, ebgoddess, although i guess companion offers up some connotations i don't exactly mean. she has been my roommate companion, my junior high companion, my drunken companion, my road trip companion, my non-sexual groupie companion, and many others...

HERE'S TO YOU, FLYING J!

everyone should check out the kickass kwanzaa candles in my profile.

it was a gift in honor of an event that is very close to my heart, from my dear friend hiddenbook...she understands how much this time of year means to me.

thank you.

happy birthday to one of my best friends ever in my life, the wicked hot ohmeohmy. hot *and* a good personality. however, as this is not a personal ad, but a BIRTHDAY SHOUT-OUT, i will end my effusive praise there.

WOOT WOOT HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my favorite ex-boyfriend, lbabybrie!!!! I hope this year kicks the ass of last year, and lots of good times come your way. you totally deserve it. i will never forget our good times, the romantic pictures together, or the intimate poetry you wrote for me and posted on alt.breakdancing in my honor.

i still love you, and we'll always have seattle.

shout out to new york city. thanks to someone there. you're very clever and sneaky and i can't complain. :)

thanks for the nice words, and the other stuff, and i could make a good bet that i LOVE YOU. i really appreciate how much you made my day better.

so. thanks. very very much. i totally feel loved.

i just realized my sister's wireless network situation is totally unsecure. i don't know how big of a deal it is, but i feel like it probably should be secure, yes?

can someone tell me how to do it? i really have no clue. i'm sure i could search the internets, but i want something easy. etc. and i bet one of my friends could tell me easily how to do it.

THANK YOU IN ADVANCE.

i have become addicted to the game "fish tycoon"

it is the slowest moving game in history, but i LOVE IT. it just hangs out in the background. they have babies while you're gone! etc. i have downloaded the one hour free trial from four different sites today. on DIAL-UP. yeah.

i'm addicted.

i may be out of free trial sites i can access but MAYBE NOT.

i officially add this to my prior wishes for the holidays. sdaflk;j. man alive. friggin' fish tycoon. who'd have thought? OMG PLUS IT CAN BE YOUR SCREENSAVER.

g d you, shockwave.com. you have screwed me with your enticing 10 DAYS FREE OFFER. i really almost signed up for it. but, for one, i won't be using this computer but for one more day out of most of the rest of the next ten days. and also, i have to give my bank card info, and i am REALLLLLLY bad with memory. so i'll end up being charged because i forgot to cancel. not that THAT has ever happened to me. ;)

shockwave. you're on my HATE but LOVE list. DAMN. YOU.

in other news, LOST. I MISS YOU!!! CHARLIE, DESMOND, SAWYER, KATE, HURLEY, LOCKE, JACK, CLAIRE, SUN AND JIN...ALL OF YOU...EVEN YOU TWO NEW WEIRD PEOPLE...AND MICHAEL YOU G D BASTARD, YOU TOO...AND BRING WALT...ALLLLLLL OF YOUUUUUUUUUUUU...COME BACK TO ME. I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL FEBRUARY.

i've lost my mind. again.

taken from hiddenbook...

this totally seems like fun. not so much that i'd get something, just like, the wishing part. like, i love looking online at ads for vacation homes. not that i could at ALL afford one, but then i can imagine what it'd be like to be there, and what it'd do, and what the weather would be like, and what books i'd bring...etc.

( so. this seems fun. like that. )

happy birthday, bob.

holy shit.

lost spoilers from tonight. daft for sure DO NOT READ THIS. or UK people who don't want to be spoiled. i don't know where you all are as far as episodes, but i know we're ahead.

(  'LOST' SPOILERS LOCATED HERE )

doing at least one thing a day off of the to do list has made me feel like i'm accomplishing SOMETHING. trying not to think of everything that needs to be done all at once. just one thing at a time.

cucumbers are good and tasty. i have enjoyed the cucumber salad lately.

work tomorrow, not until noon. hopefully people take a while with their tests so we don't close very early. i'm all about the MORE HOURS. i mean, if i am allowed to work a full two days, I WANT TO WORK THAT MUCH. rent, people!!! i need to pay it!

i've paid my rent through may, so it is not due again until june. i had some money i have saved up for the purpose, and i'm saving every penny i can. plus the tax return. so yeah, enough to pay a couple of months rent in advance. hopefully have enough money from work by then to pay with that. etc.

in other news, i read "dating big bird" by laura zigman and totally related to her neeeeeeeed for a baby. i want one so bad. i know, i'm not going to go do anything about it at this time. but dammit, i NEED a baby. my own baby. stat. i really am familiar now with the crazy biological clock thing. it is insane. and killing. i wish i could freeze my aging for a while, while i get better, and then start up again. that'd be ideal. someone recently told me if/when i have kids, i am going to be obsessed with them. i didn't really see the problem, to be honest. i mean, i guess when they're adults i probably should back off, fine. but as tiny little guys/girls? you can't love them too much, i think. my kid(s) and i are going to have SUCH FINE TIMES.

and hot damn do i love ketchup. a whole lot. sometimes i'll make something to eat based on the fact that what i want to eat is ketchup. could be gross to some, but makes perfect sense to me.

better go to bed. WORK TOMORROW CALLS TO ME.

i am still in like, stunned denial mode, but i have to admit a couple of things have made me laugh out loud tonight.

first, and i know every other person on the internet is dying over the movie, but include me in the list of fans of SNAKES ON A (MOTHERFUCKING) PLANE before i've even seen it. for more information in blog format, please see: SNAKES ON A BLOG

second, i have thought of probably my favorite action figure in history, the CRAZY CAT LADY ACTION FIGURE. i particularly enjoy the photo of the cats apparently eating their fallen catmom.

third, vivaemptiness has just directed me to Snape's on a Plane for MUCH added hilarity.

i can't wait for "lost" tomorrow. i'm excited to use the new hurley icon i made.

another thing to live for. :)

i never wrote about it, and don't really feel like going into detail, but i had a birthday party thrown by vektor last weekend...well, weekend before last. march 11. and it was a very good time. i had a very good time, at least. good food and good people and good times. thanks to (i'll try and think of the attendees with ljs at this time) bombus, mondae, and ohmeohmy for traveling from the lovely bay area to attend; also to pyropixie, ebgoddess, jaydednkrazy, jeninluv, associated significant others, and everyone else who managed to come by. to those of you who left before the wee hours, be sorry you missed drunken charades.

i do have a picture of the leprechaun cake which i will post now:

i hope i am not an ahole for my posting of pictures without a cut lately. also, the red environment in that picture is due to the fact that we held the party IN HELL. totally not really. there were some lovely red/orange stripey lights set up to party up the place! weirdly, i don't think anyone took any other pictures at all. which is too bad. i looked GOOD. REAAAAAAAL GOOD. better than i have ever looked in my life. (not really, but you all wouldn't know, would you? NO PICTURES TO DISPROVE IT!)

that is all.

also, one of my main reasons for living, in a photograph taken weekend before last in the gardens at turtle bay:



nick, erik, and ty.

so cute.

thank you also to all the birthday wishes. i turned 31 on monday. hah. i typed it at first as 21. WISHFUL THINKING.

anyway, good times i'll have to describe later...some of my dearest friends attended a party thrown for me and i had a really good time and it struck me on monday how much better i am than one year ago on march 13.

so there's improvement!

and i love my friends. i have needed you guys so much over the past year and some of you all have really pulled through for me. in spite of my craziness and unreliability and depression and panic and weirdness.

and i really appreciate it more than i could even explain.

so thanks.